I have one rule about my blog: Never post when you’re angry. That’s it. Everything else is a guideline. I rarely name names. It’s possible, in all likelihood, to sort out who’s who, but you’d have to keep a chart. And even then, there are usually not enough details to be certain.

I’m unscrupulous about stories. I’ll report whatever I choose. And in the proud tradition of Henry Higgins, I apply my bad manners universally. Nobody gets shit-talked more than I do. This is where I confess, and process, and hone.

So, last week I pissed a chick off. When I got over the irony of her reaction, I thought about old-school writers’ journals (e.g. Anais Nin). The juicy dirt in those journals often didn’t see publication daylight for decades. By that time, who really cared any longer? Devotees, perhaps, but the players themselves, how affected were they?

I broke up with this boy in grad school, and his parting words were, “Please be kind to me in your writing.” I stood outside my car afterward, keys in hand, and thought, Why the fuck would I write about you? You’re boring. Still, I appreciate his sentiment. The people around me worry because nothing appears to be sacred.

Here’s what I’ll tell you. I stalled for months before posting about masochism. I checked in with Mary beforehand dozens of times. People will think this shit is about her. They will. Even when this shit has nothing to do with her. And I have learned that she’ll always encourage me to post whatever I want (I find her pathologically against censorship) but there’s a dragging thing she does with her head when she’s uncomfortable. It’s only happened once — the subtle resistance — and I know better than to post something head-drag worthy.

I use my best judgment. I walk an edge much of the time because that’s where I’m standing. I never mean to pull anyone over. I never mean to fall over myself. But it happens occasionally because I push. Because I chase. Because I can’t let anything go. Because the mechanism has to be deconstructed before I understand how it works.